Is your client depressed or just grieving?
Advisors often wrestle with this question as they sit across the table from someone who has recently lost a spouse, parent or child. You may see tears, hear stories of loss, witness intense sadness, notice an inability to concentrate or lack of interest in life, and find yourself wondering: Is this normal grieving, or should I be worried?
The truth is, the symptoms of grief and clinical depression often overlap. Both involve deep sadness, withdrawal and loss of pleasure in life. But they are not the same thing. The distinction matters because true client service goes beyond financial expertise. It requires understanding clients’ lives and being able to walk alongside them through all of life’s changes. When you recognize grief, you can normalize it, encourage support and accompany clients until they regain stability. When you suspect clinical depression, you can gently guide them to the resources they need. In both cases, your compassionate presence will deepen trust and reassure clients that they are not alone.
The Hallmarks of Clinical Depression
Clinical depression is not just sadness. It is a brain-based disorder—a persistent and pervasive inward-focused state that colors every aspect of life. Signs include:
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Potential family history, as the susceptibility to clinical depression can be inherited.
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May arise with or without a clear external trigger, such as a stressful life event.
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Deepening hopelessness, apathy and helplessness, with no sense of a way forward and little desire or energy to find one.
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Alienation and withdrawal from others, worsened by the lack of energy or motivation to accept their invitations.
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Inability to find joy or pleasure in any activity or relationship.
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Neglecting personal hygiene, nutrition and appearance.
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May involve heavy guilt with feelings of being useless, worthless, a burden or unworthy.
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Thoughts of not wanting to live, or envy of those who have died.
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In some cases, self-harm or suicidal ideation, including making plans for how to end one’s own life.
Unlike grief, these feelings typically do not ease with time or after positive interactions with others. Clinical depression tends to stay locked in place unless it is addressed through counseling, therapy, and, in many cases, medication.
The Hallmarks of Grief
Grief, by contrast, is a natural response to loss. It is generally focused outward, on the beloved object, role, function or person that is gone or has died, rather than inward on one’s own value. Common features include:
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Deep anguish and longing for the deceased or the former life.
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Retained sense of self-worth, even amid regret, second-guessing or guilt (i.e. “If I had just done _______, they’d still be alive.”)
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Continued desire for connection with others, and sometimes even an increased need for it.
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Loss of pleasure that stems from missing the loved one, rather than from inability to enjoy life in general. This can manifest as a feeling of loneliness even in the presence of others, because the one “other” they most want is missing.
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Yearning for reunion with the loved one, sometimes expressed in statements like, “I wish I could just be with them,” or “I wish I had died too.” Note this is distinct from suicidal ideation in that it does not involve active thoughts of self-harm, specific plans or an inability to see reasons for living.
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Ability to be consoled or find temporary respite in music, prayer, friends or meaningful activities, including the ability to smile, laugh or have a good time, however briefly at first.
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Painful waves of emotion that come and go.
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Often helped by participating in a support group, reading about grief and the stories of others, talking with understanding people, facing the difficult emotions, and gradually adjusting to a life without the deceased.
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The pain and loss may be overwhelming in the early months, but as grievers accept the loss, accommodate their life to it, and let go of what can no longer be, they eventually find themselves able to function, have happy times, and even discover a new purpose while still carrying the memory of their loved one. Be prepared, though, because we never forget our loved ones; occasional waves of grief appear many months or even years later, especially around special days like holidays or the deceased’s birthday.
Note that for about one in 10 people, grief does not ease over time. Instead, they develop what is now diagnosed as Prolonged Grief Disorder, sometimes called Chronic Grief or Complicated Grief. This is characterized by unrelenting grief in which the person struggles to function in everyday life and doesn’t show any improvement over time. This is more common when the death was traumatic or violent, or when there are multiple losses at once. It may overlap with clinical depression or post-traumatic stress disorder, and, as with clinical depression, it typically requires professional help to overcome.
Practical Principles for Advisors
As an advisor, you are not expected to diagnose or treat mental health conditions. Yet you are often a trusted presence during a vulnerable time. Here are guiding principles to keep in mind:
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Recognize the difference between grief and clinical depression, while understanding that the clear majority of your client situations will be the former.
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Develop a list of grief coaches and counselors who specialize in grief, including those who specialize in trauma-informed grief therapy. You can check with places of worship to see whether they provide support groups and to ask who they refer their members to, hospitals that have clinicians on staff or who refer people to others, and hospice organizations that provide support groups or post-death counseling. Readily share this list, explaining that many people find it easier to talk with someone outside the circle of family and friends, especially someone trained to help with grief, so you provide the resources to all clients in case they or their family ever need them.
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Support coping resources. Ask clients what has helped them through challenging times before and encourage those strengths. Ask who the most supportive and understanding people around them are and encourage regular connection with those people. Offer a notebook for journaling. Offer books about grief that are as closely matched to their situation as possible.
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Help them accomplish manageable steps, such as paying bills or setting small goals.
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Use open-ended questions that allow them to tell their grief story. Validate their emotions, perhaps using a favorite phrase of mine: “You’re not crazy, you’re just grieving.” Remember that just listening is one of the most powerful gifts you can give to grieving people.
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Encourage meaningful remembrances and mementoes that promote a continuing bond.
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Know when to refer. If you see signs of clinical depression, suggest professional support. If your client has given you the name of trusted contacts, call those people and report what you’re observing, so they can follow up with the client.
Putting these principles into practice is the right thing to do on a human level, but it’s also good for business. By setting yourself apart through genuine care, you create deep personal connections with clients, fostering trust, loyalty, and a steady stream of referrals.
